


endless swallows me

by wintersofts



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/M, Female My Unit | Byleth, Gen, New Game Plus, Past Relationship(s), Time Loop, well the dimileth is kind of... a past life thing!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:48:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25922344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersofts/pseuds/wintersofts
Summary: Somewhere between the ninth and tenth time Byleth returns to the beginning of her tenure as a professor at Garreg Mach Monastery, Sothis says, “You must choose to guide a house other than the Blue Lions in this lifetime.”Byleth grapples with making a different choice.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & My Unit | Byleth, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 5
Kudos: 48





	endless swallows me

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta'd for now.

Somewhere between the ninth and tenth time Byleth returns to the beginning of her tenure as a professor at Garreg Mach Monastery, Sothis says, “You must choose to guide a house other than the Blue Lions in this lifetime.”

Byleth disagrees. 

“It is the only way to break this cycle.” Sothis sounds confident, sure that the only way to move forward is by turning her back on Dimitri and Faerghus. _You cannot make the same mistakes if you follow a different path._ Byleth knows this, in her heart of hearts, and yet—

Sothis sighs. “How long will you chase after something that is not meant to be?” 

“Who’s to say it isn’t?” Byleth asks, as the hands of time rewind around them. 

*** * * * ***

Her mind remembers how to respond to the bandit’s attack, even if her body doesn’t. 

Byleth’s reflexes are honed, sharpened to a knife point—but they belong to a different iteration of her, a battle-hardened goddess incarnate with power thrumming at her fingertips. Not the Ashen Demon, a simple mercenary favoring brute force over precision. 

It takes too long to save Edelgard from the bandit’s axe swing, her arms shaking slightly upon absorbing the blow. But the display is still impressive enough that Alois commends her for her quick response in saving the students, and Byleth thinks, _someday I will kill her. You thank me then, too._

(She’d tried, once, to let Edelgard die here, if death was the ultimate aim. The Flame Emperor erased before further damage could be done. But she couldn’t doom Edelgard for crimes not yet committed. Had she known in her first life, she would have, but—

 _Edelgard’s favorite tea blend is bergamot_ , her mind supplies, unbidden. _And she loves cute things. You cry for her in every lifetime. Can you murder her now?_ ) 

If looking at Edelgard is painful with the knowledge of what is to come, then turning to Dimitri is torture. She knows now what lurks underneath his poised facade. Hairline fractures creep over his mask of civility, and it will not take much for him to crack. Byleth desperately wants to find a way to _save_ him, but like so many things, Dimitri’s descent into darkness is always inevitable. 

Her hands clench into fists inside her sleeves as Dimitri smiles at her, grateful and admiring. It is the smile that convinces her—every time—to take his hand and follow him to whatever end. 

*** * * * ***

Byleth wanders the courtyard. Seeing Garreg Mach Monastery in its original form is a little unnerving; she’s used to picking her way through rubble, to finding traces of death tucked away in corners: bloodstains, scorch marks, a lone gauntlet, errant letters to family and loved ones, trampled underneath the feet of guards and knights. 

She speaks little to her students. It is a struggle to remain impassive in the face of their cheerful youth when the last memories she has of them are of battle worn soldiers. Byleth looks at Annette and remembers frantically healing her axe wounds on the streets of Enbarr, her blood sluggishly pooling underneath her hands. She brushes off Sylvain’s flirting and thinks of how he’d taken an arrow in her stead, the cry of pain he’d muffled afterwards while waving away Mercedes’ attempts to heal the wound. 

(The others, too. She’s killed Ignatz many different ways. Bernadetta is right to flee from her. The blood on her hands is endless, the stain on her soul permanent.) 

In the end, Byleth gravitates towards Dimitri to trade introductions. Insanity, she heard once, was repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results. She wonders if this qualifies. 

“I'm afraid my story has not been a pleasant one…” Dimitri says uncomfortably when pressed for personal information, breaking the eye contact she’d been passively maintaining. “I do hope that doesn’t color your view of me, but I understand if that can’t be helped.”

“I’ve seen your darkness,” Byleth says. _I’ve loved you in spite of it._ She isn’t certain what possesses her to say it, except that she is _tired_ and wants to reach out to brush Dimitri’s hair out of his face. “I believe you are a good person, Dimitri.”

There is a heavy pause, and then Dimitri flushes, his composure rattled. “Thank you, Professor.”

She can feel Claude’s eyes on the back of her head, narrowed in interest. _Will you be alright without me?_ she asks silently, as Dimitri moves onto a different subject, the color still high in his face. 

Rather—will _she_ be alright without her Blue Lions and the love of her life? Byleth turns the question over in her head and comes up with no answer. 

*** * * * ***

Once she finds a bench in the shade, Byleth sits down and closes her eyes. Sothis is there when she opens them, perched on her throne in the nebulous, formless meeting place Byleth assumes is part of her mind. “It’s always nice to see you again, Sothis,” Byleth says. She feels empty after they _join together_ and become one, both less and more than what they are. 

She huffs. “I am part of you.” Her expression smoothes from one of irritation to sympathy when Byleth fails to respond. “You are struggling to make a decision.” It is a statement, an observation, rather than a question. Byleth inclines her head. 

“How many lives have I lived now?” she asks. They blur together, some ending prematurely, others stretching on into the twilight. 

“Many.” Sothis counts them off on her fingers. “The first, you perished in the Holy Tomb. The second, on Gronder Field to save your king. Your third life was terribly short; you tried to stop the war from the outset and paid dearly for it. The fourth was almost a success, but the Hegemon Husk cut you down. The fifth— _oh dear_ , that was the one, wasn’t it?” Pausing, Sothis lets her hands fall. “Where you saved the world but lost the man you loved to a different woman?” 

Byleth remembers that one too well. She’d been prepared to sacrifice anything for peace. “Was I ever happy?”

“Your eighth life,” Sothis offers. “It ended with a united, prosperous Fódlan. You and Dimitri, wedded. You passed in your sleep after living to a hundred.” 

Her heart aches at that one. “I thought it would be the last. I did everything _right_.”

Sothis descends from her throne slowly, her steps even. Byleth remains rooted in place until Sothis halts and glares up at her. “A goddess lives inside you,” she says angrily. “With divinity comes not only power, but responsibility to all your people. You have a _responsibility_ to not tread the same path to the same end again. You _must_ see all sides to this conflict.”

“What if nothing changes even if I choose Edelgard or Claude?”

“What if everything does?” Sothis presses, not unkindly. “What if this decision leads, ultimately, to the end you desire? What if one change is the spark you’re seeking to break this cycle of misery?” 

“The Blue Lions are my family.” The thought of abandoning them to their fates is gut-wrenching.

“Godhood carries a heavy cost,” Sothis says, gliding back to her throne. From this distance, her smile is a jagged slash upon her face, unnatural and foreboding. “There is no peace without sacrifice. This burden is yours to bear, Byleth.”

*** * * * ***

Byleth chooses to lead the Black Eagles. 

The students are a welcoming, if rowdy, bunch. Byleth sweeps her eyes over familiar and unfamiliar faces, her own expression controlled. She is more closely acquainted with the sound of their death cries than the sound of their laughter. Guilt worms its way into her stomach, a relic of past lives. 

_I’ll do better by you_ , she vows. Byleth is not seeking absolution for her sins, but perhaps Sothis is right. There is no way forward for her except for this. 

*** * * * ***

Very little surprises her now, but somehow, Dimitri manages.

With a bottle of wine in hand, Byleth sits on the steps in front of her room. Alcohol has never been her drink of choice, but after nine lives of the same troubles, the same war, she’s learned that it is a gift to forget sometimes. 

This is how Dimitri finds her: half a bottle down, a buzzing in her veins that loosens her tongue and puts color in her cheeks. “Professor,” he says, alarmed at her current state. Then, his expression softening, he asks, “Is everything alright?” 

“Yes,” Byleth says. “And no.” She takes a swing from the bottle and wipes her mouth on her sleeve. “Both. Did you need something, Dim—Your Highness?” 

He shifts his weight from one foot to another. “I heard you will be in charge of the Black Eagles.” A heavy silence falls between them; Byleth looks up at the stars overhead, wondering how to navigate a conversation she doesn’t want to have. “I believed—I _thought_ —you would choose to lead the Blue Lions. Forgive me for being presumptuous, but I can’t help but feel we could have learned a lot from you.” 

She wonders where the faith comes from. Wonders if she deserves it. “I don’t have much to teach,” Byleth says dryly. “ _I_ believe you’re better off, Your Highness.” 

“You do not give yourself enough credit, Professor.” 

Byleth raises an eyebrow. “You might give too much.” _Don’t make this harder_ , she wants to beg. In some aspects, Dimitri wears his heart on his sleeve, open adoration and respect writ clearly on his face. Byleth wants to feel worthy of it, but—

So much about this life is uncharted territory. She doesn’t know what to expect, what she can feasibly promise. She doesn’t know what she can do for Dimitri like this, nor is she sure if she _should_ when her focus should be on the Black Eagles. 

But neither can she ignore a part of her heart. Foolish sentiments not befitting of who and what she is, Byleth knows, but Dimitri and her friends are the ones who taught her attachment—and how to feel. 

Dimitri clears his throat. “I hope, if it is not too much trouble, you would not mind sharing some of your expertise with our house as well.” 

A laugh slips out her mouth. “You could never be too much trouble,” she says. Not Dimitri, nor the Blue Lions. “I’ll find some time, if you really want me to.”

More silence, and when Byleth turns to look at Dimitri, his mouth is open, gaping. Dimly, she remembers how long it had taken her to even smile around the Blue Lions the first time around, and how surprised Dimitri had been at the sight. She ducks her head, her chest constricting with the ghosts of past emotion. 

“I—” Dimitri swallows and tears his gaze away. “I’m grateful, Professor. And,” Here he hesitates before plowing on, “I suppose we are rivals, but I hope you enjoy yourself with the Black Eagles nonetheless.” With one last smile, Dimitri departs. Byleth watches him leave, his footsteps fading into the night. 

Byleth is terrified this life will be the last one. She is terrified that she will never see Dimitri again, that teaching the Black Eagles will not make a difference, that the continent will slide backwards into the same war, but Sothis is right in that this is her sacrifice to make, and her burden to bear. 

Perhaps everything will change, or nothing will, but—

“Next time,” she whispers to herself, hugging her knees to her chest. “I’ll find my way to you again.” 

**Author's Note:**

> based on me starting a new game plus file and _almost_ selecting the blue lions again even though i was intending to choose the black eagles. i haven't written in a while, so i'm rusty and this is almost certainly nonsensical, but it was a fun exercise!!


End file.
